How do we become resilient?

What resilience is is a question that has occurred to me for a long time. For nearly four years, I have facilitated dozens of groups in which we have explored this question. In the group format, there are lots of factors we explore to understand it- sensory and somatic (bodily) needs, values, negative thinking, self-compassion, self-esteem, coping strategies and understanding the need behind those emotions.

In searching for a definition of emotional resilience, writers in Positive Psychology(1), charities and universities(2, 3) talk about bouncing back, about coping. But as they unpack it, they fundamentally say is about understanding your emotions and your needs in order to do those things. That's a principle so basic that anyone can engage with it. No expert in the field can tell you what they know about you or what you need. In the field of yourself, you are the expert.

As you're the expert, even when you don't trust your own feelings, I trust you (as clients or as group members) to find your own understanding of what you need and believe. Becoming more aware of yourself helps us to grow faster than focusing on changing. How often has forcibly trying to change yourself led to what you want?

Becoming more of you

Perhaps two people are asking the same question, but no two people will get the same answers from that process. Which is why we explore so many different self-regulation activities to help you become more aware of your needs in the group setting. Stretches and breathing exercises, mindful meditation, expressive arts, activities we enjoy, self-massage and sharing feelings are things we develop in sessions. Trying these things can be totally new to us and either you incorporate them or not, the choice is in your hands.

But there is a risk of treating strategies and tools like they are the solution. If you're given a list of the best things to try and none or them work, what does that say about you? Does it sink in a sense of failure? A feeling of brokenness?

There is also the oppression of an education system that made us feel left behind if we don't fall in line, which makes us less inclined to try new things.

Problems in resilience

What I am cautious with the word resilience is how the word oppresses someone who's holding the burden of their world on their shoulders. The world becoming more expensive? The damage past experience have done to you? You feel stressed an overwhelmed about how modern world operates? Deal with it and suck it up, the world isn't easy. Or people agree and move on without really listening to you. Never has agreement felt so alienating.

Resilience perpetuates a problem in British culture that it is because of individual shortcomings (4). A layer of guilt and shame is built on our inability to cope when difficult things happen. How can someone maintain resilience when in the back of your mind there is a voice- maybe connected to society or something else- which screams at us that what we've done is wrong and shows we are a bad person, undeserving or a failure?

Research has shown that when we feel we have power in our lives, we're healthier and have better mental health (5, 6), sometimes that power is financial and sometimes it isn't. But it is clear to me at least that being aware of what you do and don't have power over in your life gives you direction of what support to get. Trusting in your network, or the limits of your network, to support you and maybe reaching out to a counsellor.

Differences to counselling

As simple or as small as it sounds on the outside, counselling is not the same as therapeutic groups. Whether you've engaged in psycho-education (what I'd argue my Emotional Resilience work has mainly been) or group therapy, they have a distinct feeling. Counselling too is distinct to them, not just for the privacy, but also the depth and spotlight.

In all my work, I believe strongly in an individual's capacity to hear themselves and trust in their own wisdom, to let the influence of the outside world melt away as you hear what matters only to you. Counselling has a purpose that is ever evolving for the client, the direction always changes (perhaps a question for another blog). Most psycho-education has a direction, that cannot be avoided, however approaching it from a person-centred perspective I put the most emphasis in the knowledge, curiosity and explorative abilities of all in the room rather on my own guidance or teaching.

Because of that distinctness of counselling, I personally don't bring the skills or tools I've mentioned into the session. All of those can be found online and I believe the is a particular value to trying them out in groups settings.

As I have covered earlier, power is a key driver for our mental health, and instead of putting the emphasis on tools, I put the emphasis on you and your own strength, however hidden you feel it is.

Conclusion

It's easy to write this with a list of recommendations for "what works", as if we aren't all complex individuals looking for answer that work for us. But what comes out for me is us listening to our own needs and the things we enjoy and taking care of our bodies and minds. But the elephant in the room and always ignored by the wellness network/industry is a recognition of the struggles many go through and make therapy harder to access, like financial hardship and powerlessness. Perhaps if we have a bit more power, we would feel a bit more resilient to the weight of the world.

References

1. Chowdhury, Madhuleena Roy 'What Is Emotional Resilience? (+6 Proven Ways to Build It)' https://positivepsychology.com/emotional-resilience/ Positive Psychology 22 January 2019 (Accessed 17 November 2025)

2. The Children's Society 'Emotional resilience' https://www.childrenssociety.org.uk/information/young-people/well-being/resources/emotional-resilience (Accessed 20 November 2025)

3. University of Warwick 'Emotional Resilience' https://warwick.ac.uk/services/wss/topics/emotional_resilience/ (Accessed 20 November 2025)

4. Richardson, Miriam 'Alone Together' Therapy Today, 36 (7) Pages 34-37 September 2025 (Accessed 22 November 2025)

5. Whitehead, et al. 'How could differences in ‘control over destiny’ lead to socio-economic inequalities in health? A synthesis of theories and pathways in the living environment' https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1353829216000241 May 2016 (Accessed 17 November 2025)

6. Margaretha, 'Ill health is powerlessness: a phenomenological study about worthlessness, limitations and suffering' https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1471-6712.2004.00275.x 17 May 2004 (Accessed 17 November 2025)